Lost all passion and settling for cubicle life — Syndrome

Unsplash photo by Keith Wickramasekara:

Symptoms of LAPASFCL Syndrome include, but are not limited to, the following:

being disheartened
feeling disconnected despite being more connected than ever
feeling dead inside
constant and continuous low energy
experiencing anxiety when any task is assigned to you
experiencing anxiety when receiving email in your inbox and dreading having to open items
overeating, smoking, drinking, addictions
taking unnessary pee breaks just to break up the monotany
spending $$ on material items, lunchtime shopping, online shopping during work hours
overdosing on TV, netflix, video games
sitting on you butt all day long
shuffling papers around your desk
zoning out regularly and coming to to find out something’s out of place on your desk, but you don’t know what or who would have moved anything just to mess with you

I have been obsessed with finding my passion all my life. It has been like a chasing my tail exercise.

Unfortunately, I was not provided with any guidance on how to identify my passions. This isn’t exactly true. I was provided with a few external tools and exercises during grade school to help me decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. Like that personality test in grade 11 where I answered a bunch of multiple choice questions and it spit out a few compatible careers. Top of my list was Forest Ranger. (Gee I wish I’d had the balls to go a be a forest ranger! In hindsight, this was probably a great match for me.)

Later in life, when I could afford books, I would pear anxiously into self-help books, hoping the answers would jump out at me. Nada.

The gap was my disconnection from my right brain and inner guidance. I was not taught how to use my inner wisdom and guidance to evaluate whether the decisions I needed to make were in alignment with my true self and nature. There is a big difference between engaging external tools versus using your innate internal tools. It took me years to discover this key to life. This difference and lack of comprehension on the difference can land you miles (or continents) apart.

To complicate matters, when I was possibly onto anything that might bring me joy or excitement, my first instinct was to systematically destroy my potential passion beyond all recognition so that it was truly dead. Either that, or wipe all memory of my passion out of my brain to never return to it.

Whether a quick death or a slow death, the results have always been the same. I settle for mediocre. I settle for safe. I settle for routine. I convince myself I’m content with doing the same thing day in and day out. Being comfortable. That’s what this is all about. Isn’t it?

Does your day look something like this?

Alarm goes off at 6:30 am
Get the kids off school and then out the door by 7:30 am.
If I’m lucky, I’ll have a few minutes to read a book or check social media on the Ctrain.
Arrive at work at 8 am.
Stay in my chair at work for 9 hours.
Eat lunch at my desk.
Mix it up with meetings and sitting in different chairs.
On a good day, I’ve scheduled a coffee date to complain about work or other stuff.
I’m on the Ctrain by 5 pm, cooking dinner for the family at 5:30 pm, eating and cleaning up the kitchen which takes to 6:30 pm.
Finally — I can relax for about 5 minutes if I’m lucky.
Then it’s off to my kid’s activities.
Or maybe I have enough energy to watch a movie on netflix because I’m exhausted and that’s all I’m up for.
Bed is at 9 pm. Sharp.

Tomorrow, I get to do it all again.

Is this all there is to life until the infamous date of retirement when I turn 67 and all my dreams will come true and I’ll be able to travel and relax and do all the things on my bucket list? Hopefully I’ll have enough saved up so I’m not begging on the streets when I’m 87 — because I’m definitely planning to live that long — or maybe my kid will feel sorry for me and take me in.

And there you have it. The acceptance and consequences of living with LAPASFCL Syndrome.

Oh what a happy life!



Calgary mompreneur | figuring it out, making it work.

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Allison Kessler

Allison Kessler

Calgary mompreneur | figuring it out, making it work.