In my low period after my marriage fell apart in 2009, I went through a string of guys… most of them smokers.
I didn’t smoke. I thought it was just a coincidence that the guys I was attracted to all smoked. Now I’m exploring the idea that there’s more to it than just that.
I currently have been with the same man for 7+ years and we miraculously have a 2-year-old son — something we both wanted more than anything else in this world. We share quite a bond.
He’s smoked the entire time I’ve been with him. He started smoking when he was 13 and comes from a chain-smoking family. It’s all he’s known and is a pillar in his existence. Smoking is a way for him to relieve stress, have time to himself, take a break from the world, hang out with other smokers. I mean, it’s a big deal to him.
When we first got together, I didn’t mind the smoking.
However, I had a spiritual awakening in 2013 and have been working really hard over the last 6 years to grow spiritually… in essence, raise my vibration. This is a good thing. Except the smoking has become a contentious issue in our relationship. I can’t stand being around it. I can’t stand the smell of it, the lingering poisons circulating in the air I’m breathing (just from his breath — he doesn’t smoke inside), the odour on his clothing, his persistent coughing from lungs that are starting to speak up in dismay about impending future health problems.
But — is it just the smoking? Or is it the increasing gap in our vibrations that is causing relationship trouble?
The concept of vibration is complicated.
Everyone’s talking about the Law of Attraction (LoA) these days, but it’s abstract and seems to work opposite to common sense.
Vibration is at the heart of the LoA and understanding how it really works is critical.
The real question for me to explore is:
Why was I attracted to men who smoke?
Should the question really be: Was I just attracted to that type of behavior and found a man to fit?
When you are in a low place in life, vibration doesn’t matter to you. It affects you drastically, but you don’t care. This goes hand in hand with not caring what people think. It’s just too hard to live up to other’s expectations. So why try.
Low attracts low.
Is the word “attractive” more accurately “attracting”?
A person can only fake it for so long, pretending to value another person’s desires.
As soon as one partner decides to start up the ascension ladder, and the other doesn’t want to join them, the relationship is at risk.
The changes are subtle at first. Bearable. Each person tries to compensate and excuse the other. But as the gap continues to grow, more substantial differences are uncovered and at some point you’ll need to talk about the elephant in the room.
Talking about the issue is a challenge. The partner with the lower vibration probably doesn’t get it. They won’t understand why their partner changed and is now putting unreasonable demands on them.
The higher vibration person might be disappointed. They thought they weren’t asking too much for their partner to join them on a rewarding inner spiritual journey — and arguably the most important journey you can ever initiate in life — together. Yes, this may mean their partner needs to change their entire life, values, morals, behaviours… their entire essence. But it’s worth it! Why can’t they see this?!
What happens is, depending on the level of the lower person, is that the higher person IS asking too much. We are talking about addiction stuff here. The smoking, the eating healthier, the elimination of alcohol. The list goes on and on in a new obsession of systematically ridding oneself of all external toxins once and for all. This simple request involves the exercising of demons, abolishment of cravings and removal of self-destructive behaviors that have thus far comprised a huge part of the other person’s life.
Ascension is about exchanging and replacing negative thoughts and acts with establishing and implementing a new range of daily self loving rituals, like daily affirmations, meditation, chanting and sound healing. Ascension isn’t for everyone. It’s a difficult path and this is why only a few decide to ascend.
A lower vibration person is in denial that their smoking is connected to that insistent cough. A higher vibration person connects the dots to a decreased lifespan and serious illness. “It’s just not worth it,” they think.
Just ask your partner to quit.
If it were that easy, I wouldn’t be writing this article.
My partner has been on the quitting smoking mission for the last 3 years. He sets new “quit dates” and they never stick. Sometimes he refrains for about 4 hours, maybe even a whole day. Once he quit for a month and a half.
The problem is: He really doesn’t want to quit smoking.
He likes it. It’s a part of his identify. He finds your incessant nagging unbearable. A huge pain in his life. He only stays and continues to pretend to want to quit smoking for your sake. He would quit if he could. But the truth is he can’t and he won’t. He never will. Not for you.
Quitting smoking takes an enormous amount of spiritual strength and willpower that my partner doesn’t have right now.
That doesn’t mean that he won’t get there eventually. But I need to decide if I can wait that long. I need to decide when enough is enough for me.
You are who you surround yourself with.
I am now placed in an awkward position. Everyone keeps talking about surrounding yourself with the people who you admire, like, want to be like. By even just hanging out with people doing the things you want to do, you are going to be more likely to accomplish those things and achieve success. You will be able to continuously strive higher and higher. Aim higher and higher. And get what you want.
What do you do when your partner is so far below you now that being with them actually hurts. You find yourself “having a drink” with them to try and keep something in common between you. Then regretting it after.
It becomes a cycle of putting yourself and your own importance values below that of your partner so they feel needed and loved and still a part of your life.
At some point I need to face the music. I don’t feel good when I put my partner’s needs in front of my own. I am wearing a mask. I pretend to still want those lower activities in my life when they make me feel yucky. I can’t live like this.
Smoking isn’t just a clue that something’s wrong in the relationship, it’s a giant neon sign pointing to a foundation of incompatibility.
Incompatibility is the last thing you want to consider.
I mean, I’ve put 7+ years into making this relationship work. Many hours, days, months of anguishing painful time… moments.. .heartbreak. Trying to get my partner to change. To like what I like. To raise himself up. To want to join me on a spiritual journey.
To admit to myself that I’ve failed. That I need to consider what I’ve been avoiding. That this partner who I’ve shared so much with isn’t the person I need to take me to my next level.
It’s hard. It’s an excruciating kind of acceptance.
Once you are awake, there’s no going back.
Not only do I not want to go back to that girl who was attracted to smokers, but I wouldn’t go back there for all the money in the world.
That person I used to be had low self worth. She didn’t want to smoke. She wanted to absorb smoking through a relationship and connection with another person who was in a low place.
I can’t go back there.
And now I need to figure out how to move forward positively in a higher vibration reality with higher vibration people.